i juz missed him.. haiz.. dunno.. school is so sucky.. esp gp.. thanks to the essay topic we have.. "should medical science always seek to prolong life?" how "nice".. death and life.. haiz.. memories..

moments came flashing through my mind today.. feelings of him holdin my hands... scenes when i hugged him in the name of fun.. when he asked me how school is.. all these are gone forever..

pictures of me hearin the news, how i prayed and wished that he was only jokin with us.. when i sobbed in the train on the way home and havin to go to the hospital again.. on the cab praying so hard that it was juz a dream.. keep tellin god that watever misdeed i've done juz let the punishment be on me, not my dad.. my dad was a good man.. why muz it be this way..

until i saw him.. his body.. lifeless.. everyone in the room was cryin out loud.. callin him to come back.. my aunt was yellin at him in tears that if he is to be fillial he muz return to life.. my mum crying out to my dad in between tears.. first time i saw my granddad cried.. my aunt called to me, sayin that my dad loved me the most amongst my siblings.. my sis hugged me, whenever she saw me broke down, in tears.. i cried the hardest in my life that day.. why muz it be him?

i realised that i still have alot of things undone with him.. i had not said "i love you" to him for a very long time.. had not hugged him since i could remembered.. didnt get to chat with him the night before.. didnt have the chance to say "bye dad" to him that morning when he went to work.. and alot of things left undone.. alot.. why of all people? why him?

this year is a bad year.. really bad year.. a year which i cried the most.. picked up and fell the most.. what's wrong? my life is in a messed now.. the house feels empty.. feels colder than usual.. something is missing.. someone..

my mind is messed up.. am i to be afraid? is he really here with me? watchin over me? i keep feeling that he's ard.. near.. but not close by.. i tried to forget myself.. forget what had happened.. tried to be normal as usual.. but somethings juz cannot be changed.. i'm afraid that if i really did tried, i'll lost all memories of him.. he is fading in my mind.. i couldn't remember wat he exactly look like now.. so fast.. so soon.. why? of all people? why him..

he is a really good father, son and husband.. he takes care of everything in the house.. he looks after my grandparents.. he is a loving husband.. he's the most caring man i've every known.. why muz u take him away from us? is this wat they called the end of fate? he still have lots to do with us.. we still had that chalet to go to.. now.. why muz it be him.. why..

i cried again.. why am i so weak? i juz had to let it out.. i know i'll feel better after a good cry.. my eyes hurt now.. heartburns.. now i know what it means.. death.. seems so familiar to me now..

sarah: sorry if i made u worried.. i'll be fine.. i juz need time.. i think..
iris: thanks for everything u've done.. i know u'll be there..
victor: that was not a threat vic.. i was juz jokin.. u should run more..