could you hear me?

Friday, October 01, 2004

I guess it's juz me bahz.. Heck to it all..

haiz.. what "nice" days i'm having.. derno.. had been lunchin and studyin with 'da ge' for the beginning of the week.. well.. she keeps makin me study.. ok.. tryin to motivate me.. manz.. i need someone to breathe down my neck to get me started.. sheez.. if i had troubled you, i'm so sorry.. zero motivation still.. nothing got in.. haiz.. derno.. at least i did some work.. some work.. =T

was pretty upset on ytd.. when u asked me to leave.. the whole world can ask me to leave them except for u.. i dunno the reason why.. izzt my fault? fine.. i'm insensitive.. i dunno wat's goin on.. and to think that i had mentioned that all the girls in this school are weird.. i thought u might have caught the hint.. or izzt not that? nvm then..

day was messed up earlier on.. upset over ytd and sth else too.. well, i guess such things kinda build up.. why? partially coz of my dad bahz.. haiz.. i dunno.. when my mum asked me last night on whether i missed my dad.. i didn't answer her.. coz maybe it's due to the work i have at hand? i dunno.. haiz.. then my guilt came in.. esp when she said that my dad will surely miss all of us.. felt empty.. felt like breakin down.. but i looked at my mum, she's so strong.. i didn't know wat to do.. could only give her the fake smile i always wear on my face at home.. guessed i had never found the true "me" after all..

wanted to cry but couldnt.. the feelins all blotched up inside of me.. but i felt emptiness most of the time.. like i was dreaming.. pictures of his body still comes across me.. i so wanted to hold on to his warm, strong and rough hands again.. but i guess i never had the chance to do so again.. why is this happenin to my life? haiz.. nvm.. shant think of it..

everytime i look at his tablet.. dunno what to say.. can only ask him to wish us health and happiness.. felt really uneasy whenever i burn joss sticks for him.. it's like, "why am i doin this to my dad??" kind of feeling.. really cannot picture it..

the night.. used to love it.. it used to mean serenity to me.. now.. i dunno.. kinda dislike it now.. rain.. use to think it's romantic.. now, it's sadness.. whenever it rains, i know that dad is cryin for me.. coldness, never liked it.. hated it now.. reminds me of alot of things which i so wanted to forget.. life will never be the same i guess.. hate this year.. and the years after i guess..

my dreams.. it's kinda scary.. esp my dad's one.. somehow my sis felt sth which tallied to the dream i had.. which kinda probably freak me even more.. am i really thinkin so much? and my mum kept sayin that my dad loved me the most.. i dunno.. maybe it's because my character is the most similar to his compared to my other siblings? or it's juz that i love my dad alot too.. i dunno how to feel right now.. mixed up.. messed up..



Ruth-Skunk || 11:26 pm