could you hear me?

Saturday, September 25, 2004

Recovering.. Or am I?

hmm... 2 weeks have passed after the cremation.. school seemed the same to me.. sometimes.. haiz.. dunno.. guessed i've been tryin hard to avoid the topic.. but it's quite bad sometimes esp when pple dunno what had happened and asked abt it.. haiz.. tryin hard to contain myself..

juz told my sis about my blog... told her that the blogs i wrote are quite saddening.. dunno la.. hope she wont keep comin up to see.. but nvm lah.. see lor.. haiz..

somehow i felt that the home is like.. i dunno how to describe.. everyone seemed normal.. i seemed normal too.. but it's juz the surface.. i dun wanna show my feelings in front of them.. and i know that for them it's the same too.. i guess everyone's juz tryin to keep the mood like it was before.. but for now there seemed to be more care in everything we do.. we seemed to be more aware of what we are doing, saying.. i dunno.. haiz..

i think i'm still in a state of shock.. dunno.. tryin to accept the event bahz.. tryin to lose myself in school, with friends and in studies.. tryin.. haiz.. i still cant study.. dunno why.. cannot... muz pia.. for myself, for my dad.. he's actually my support for my studies.. everytime when i saw him, i'll do work.. i dunno.. he's juz my inspiration.. maybe i juz want him to be proud of me.. i dunno.. now.. i cant seemed to do anything right.. haiz.. muz study..

now that my dad's tablet is back home.. abit worrying.. for my grandparents and my mum.. esp my grandma.. she keeps thinkin about her own funeral in the future.. manz.. wuzzup with her.. haiz.. makes everyone so sad.. dunno lah..

my bro asked me juz now.. "how are u coping without dad?".. funny guy.. told him i'm still copin lah.. duh.. if i'm not, i'll probably have committed suicide.. haiz.. talked to my sis durin the whole journey juz now.. about everything we can think of.. religion and stuff.. i'm still messed up here.. will clear my thoughts soon.. after my dad's case lah.. haiz.. =(

so weird that i've not been thinkin about my dad.. hmm.. so scared i'll lose all the memories of him.. thought about him the other day in class.. a bit sad.. did i miss him? i dunno.. i guess so.. actually i'm still feelin empty.. guess it still hadnt hit me yet.. guessed i'm juz treating it as he is away for a really long while.. haiz.. i dunno lah..

i juz want everyone to be happy.. haiz.. dun worry about me.. i'm fine.. at least i think i am.. i'll find someone to talk to if i'm not ok.. promise.. yea.. alot of things cannot do still.. but the monk says can wear slightly coloured clothings.. juz as long as it's not whole thing red.. so i still cannot touch the 2204 tee.. hmm.. nvm.. said that we muz be happier abit.. well.. i see my mood lah.. and still muz pray somemore.. haiz.. i need a rest..

sometimes i juz wish that i can juz sleep and dun wake up to this reality.. haiz.. told faith before that if i die, i dun want anyone to cry.. and no need for any prayin and stuff.. juz cremate me and place me somewhere peaceful can ler.. all the prayings is takin a toll out of everyone.. it makes the pple misses u more.. what for.. juz keep the good memories.. haiz..

thought about death the other day.. what happens when i die? will i have a soul? or will i juz shut down like a computer and that's the end of the story? i dunno.. sad..



Ruth-Skunk || 7:50 am