could you hear me?

Thursday, February 10, 2005

CNY... =(

oh wellz. chinese new year.

Eve of eve of cny: wellz, the day passed with a rather hasty speed. for the first time, i was actually glad that a chem teacher isnt attending lesson. haiz. chinese. i think i dun like li3 bai2 yang3. but i like the lesson. of all teacher, her.. i think ms seow is so much better. wateva. the entire school was deserted after lesson ended EXCEPT choir and track and soccer. WTH..

Eve of cny: celebrations. aiyah. actually i forgot i'm not supposed to wish anyone HCNY. but i went up to laoshi anyway to give her the mandarin oranges. crabstick.. and it feels funny. coz for the first time in my life, i dunno how to wish someone HCNY. crabstick i tell u.. =(

supposed to go back AndSS with faith. but she asked me to wait for her while she attended to sth. apparently that sth is juz a gathering with her church's friends to sing and stuff. right. it didnt pissed me. and i waited for god knows how long. ok lah. not really wanting to exaggerate it but yah. then she like asked "izzt a must for you to go back?", stuff like that. looking at the time i decided not to. cant wish anybody, wat's the point? haiz. decided to go out with her friend, also jo's junior, jingpei and her after wateva she's doing. i started reading my "phantom of the opera" lyric book and of course felt sleepy.
~~~
"You can do anything to me, make me angry or watsoeva. Anything, but make me sleepy."
~~~
yah. so throughout the entire thing i had this really pissed off-cum-sleepy face. tsk tsk tsk. wrong move. after her gathering, we finally got to move on to orchard. i was introduced to harry, her classmate. i actually thought that he was a J2 coz he wore the AJ uniform. throughout the journey faith kept apologising while i kept that straight face. i guess she had never seen me like that before. as in she did, but it usually wasnt for long. i really pulled my face from yck to orchard. then i told her that i wasnt pissed and that statement in pink above.

anyway, thoughts were racing through my mind. like wat's gonna happen in the next few days when there's no celebrations and stuff. then my mood went down. haiz. she asked the qns, "what time do you need to go back for reunion dinner?" aye.. wrong move. i replied, "not having." and that soury feeling came up. she asked "why are you looking.. sad?" and before i even expect anything myself to do anything, i burst into tears. haiz. i think all i can say is "emotional build-up". crabstick.. and while crying, ms lee's words played across my mind, "dont be afraid to cry. juz let it all out." faith kept apologising. hahaz. haiz. poor girl. it's not her fault.. =(

after eating we met up with jingpei and took neoprints. orchard is still quite crowded. jingpei confirmed that orchard will still be opened during cny. good for me. can go there.

went home to have dinner. grandpa cooked lots. went for movie "i do, i do" with mum, sis and bro. it was ok. funny yea. pretty much humour. they all were laughing like crazy. i didnt coz i was damn sleepy. haiz. too tired out by the day's event. went home. i'm not sure if the others stayed up to "shou ye" but i fell asleep on the sofa. juz too tired.

cny: woke up at 5 am. me and bro. walked mum downstairs for her to catch her cab. holiday in m'sia with her friend i think. yah. haiz. now it feels even more empty. went back and sleep more. woke up at 11. oops. over slept. ate a little and my bro started mahjong playing coz he said grandma was bored. more like he wanted to play it. nvm. so it's my bro, sis, grandma and me playing coz granddad went to the temple to pray. i won alot in the first half of the game. then my sis started winning. and my grandpa won lots when he took over my grandma. so the big loser was my bro. hahaz. he was so pissed.

went out with sis and bro to the settle the restaurant reservation. then ate at ljs. wanted to go kbox but the cny promotion is too ex and so is the rate per person now. we ended up at an arcade in amk and pooling. spent the evening there. then we went for another round of "dinner" at mos burger. hahaz. no lah, juz drink sth and had salad. chatted.. went home after that. i did my "falling down the stairs" stunt for them and they screamed thinkin that i did fall. hahahahaz. right. i'm crazy.

random thoughts: after all these things happening, i realised that i had changed a lot. i can never really be happy. or was i never happy at all? cant be.

thinking too much hinders one's progress. too much self-reflection. but isnt that supposed to be good? sometimes i juz do things without processing it's consequences in my head first. that's so bad. so wrong. i kept comparing. others with myself. seeing their faults, i realised mine too. no one can be perfect. then why seek for such impossiblities within myself? i kept thinking too highly of myself. but sometimes it's more of self-pity.

sarcasm i do have. good when it's mild, bad when it's not. i'm controlling really. tryin hard.

i'm not thinkin thoughts i'm not supposed to be thinking already. that's good. but it still feels sour when crazy talks comes out from you. nvm. i'm thinking rots again.

shut up al.


"My shadow's the only one that walks beside me.
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating.
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me.
'Til then I walk alone "
- Al

Ruth-Skunk || 2:23 am