could you hear me?

Monday, August 09, 2004

Fear..

why am i talkin about this? i dunno. juz wanna share with u guys sth that's all. right.. it was some nights ago when i used the comp till a rather late night. say, 2++ i think. right, so everyone else was asleep. fine.. i switched off the lights and power and walked back to my room. lyin on my bed, i dunno why but i juz thought of this: 'hmm.. i think there is someone outside the livin room sittin there, staring at me'. right. i know i was juz tryin to crap myself up. there's no way anyone could be sittin in the living room without me realisin it as i walk to my room. no way. so i juz closed my eyes. the next thing i knew i was visualising. u see, i use the word visualising because i know i am, i wasnt dreaming then. i visualised that i was walkin in this playground that i used to play at when i was a kid. everything was the same except that there is now a gate which covered a portion of the underneath of the elevated platform. and behind that gate, i visualised a lady in long black hair staring at me. then i realised that these are stupid thoughts i am having so i tried to erase the image of the lady. but everytime i tried she came back to be there. by that time i was trembling in fear. but i didn't open my eyes. i wanted to erase that image. but i cant. and before i knew it, i fell asleep.

well, i juz sorta like thought about it. like what is it all about. what is fear? is it juz something that is within us, tryin to make us succumb to something? for me, i think that fear is juz our mind playin tricks with us. there is nothing to fear only fear itself. so why are we still afraid of so many things? like say, i have the fear of bleeding. whenever i have a cut or sth, i'll juz psycho myself into thinkin that i'm goin to lose alot of blood. then i'll feel nauseous and stuff. and if i dun vomit, i'll feel fainty. oh yea, dun laugh. i know that my brain is playin tricks with me. haiz..

it's like pain. i think that it's all physical. if we can control our minds from feelin this pain, we control it all. take for example the other time when i flew out of my bike while bikin with tk and zammy. i fell, i got hurt, i bleed. what did i got? physical injuries. pain. but it wasn't feelin that bad at that time. i dunno why. probably my nerves were spoilt or sth. the pain wasnt felt that much. i bleed a bit. but i wasn't feelin nauseous for once. i was like, "hey. am i me or what?". and when i reached home, thoughts of pain as physical injuries were incomparable to emotional ones, or spiritual ones, or mental ones. oh yes it hurts, but it's not that bad, u can heal from those. but for the others, the scars will always remain deeply embedded in one's heart.

"i do not know what's bothering you, i juz want you to be happy." - Artanis

Ruth-Skunk || 11:54 pm