could you hear me?

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

too fast..

realised that the world is moving too fast. faster mode of transportation, faster working pace, etc. but when will one slow down and feel the world like one ever did when one was young?

looked up into the sky. realised that it has been a long, long while since the last time i saw the beautiful white clouds trying to hide the clear, blue sky. i kept searching for something amidst the clouds. and it suddenly dawn upon me that i had forgotten my childhood past-time - cloud spotting. i used to see lots of things in the clouds, ranging from animals to cartoon characters. i even see faces up there. and i would smile and continue staring, trying to reshape the curvatures of the fluffy, thick cotton like clouds to take on another shape. and i would spen hours juz standing by the window, safely in the home's comfort, mind far, far away in a daze.. and those were the days..

what has happen to me? i dun even recognize myself.

oh Dad, i'm so sorry. i think i disappointed you greatly. you must be really angry for what i had done. things i shouldnt do. things i had failed to do. i'm so ashamed of myself. i'm not perfect. so far from perfect. so sad.. can i go to heaven with you? will i be going there? i have a slightest feeling that i can never make it there. why Dad? why me? i guess you had already knew the reason why. why i felt so inferior. why i kept trying to be proud, to be at least normal. it's horrible..

fear revisited me once again. it always comes so suddenly. death, isnt fearful after all. it's only the process which takes you to the other side of the universe that is painful. but fear not. it'll be over very quickly.

i'm such a failure. couldnt do anything right. is this my retribution, Dad? i wish you were here to give me good advice. i wanna hold on to your big hands again. i wanna say "Hi Dad" like i used to say before. i want you to see me sing again. i want to hear u tease me again. i really want to..

Did things which hurt myself again. why am i so foolish? "as long as you're happy.." i guess it doesnt matter anymore. it felt very much like a break-up. but there isnt even a start.. sux to be me..


"It's not that I can't live without you, it's just that I don't even want to try. Every night I dream about you ever since the day we said goodbye.."
Ruth-Skunk || 3:54 pm