could you hear me?
Sunday, May 08, 2005
incomplete..
written on 7th may:
human are funny beings. bein led by 2 different sources, the head and the heart, very different results can be produced. for once i couldnt believe myself, that i'm being sociable. and this being sociable bothers me, cuz i'm afraid of losing myself. and i'm acting irrational..
*burp* hahaz. eat too full ler. dunno la. am listenin to Naruto's OSTs. So nice.. haiz.. stomach problem. sometimes i wonder why i exist on this world. i gave so many problems to so many pple. cant stand myself also. sometimes i wish time would turn back. probably i wont be the person who i am right now. and that new 'me' might have a greater contribution to the society. cuz i'm feeling really lost right now..
i dun really trust guys. i dunno why. the only males i trust are my dad and granddad. my dad was closer to me. now i dunno. i think too many pple are tryin to replace him. i dun really need that. i guess i'm fine now without him. i manage to get over the "your parents" thingy. i'll normally replied "my mum..". yea. that's a big clue, i realise, cuz that's how i get to know of someone else.. nvm..
"if a guy says 'i'll love you forever until the day i die', dun bother about loving him." - it's true. "until the day i die". that's so selfish. i'll rather "i will continue loving you. if i go first, i'll wait for you on the other side." ah.. that's different..
"if the guys says 'i'll die for you', dun bother too.." - he dies and leave all the sadness to the girl. wth. for me is "i'll rather you die first and i'll bare all the sadness myself." i think that's better.
for my dad, i dunno. whether to love him or hate him for leaving without a word. but i know he's safe now, in heaven, waiting for me to return to his arms..
i see God doin miracles to pple i know. He transformed them into people i wouldnt believe it's them. but human is weak in the sense that they cannot be always reminded of Him all the time. that's why we make mistakes. i realised that i'm weak too. i couldnt stop lookin down on others. one of the golden words in the bible says "be silent and keep your mouth from doin evil". cuz i realise that whenever i blurt our sth in anger, i usually hurt others. maybe that's the reason i chose to stay away from the crowd. i dun want to hear too much evil.
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written this morn, 8th may:
haiz.. i'm all by myself again. i told you i cannot be so high at one point. the consequences are devastating. crap. and the stupid climb into the cupboard last night was freaky. crap. not only i scared the girls i scared myself too. the total darkness was too immense for me, my eyes hurt. and it's confined. luckily i dun have claustrophobia. if not i'll scream like crazy. haiz. scary. it was only until after i climbed out before i remembered some forbidden rules abt climbing into wardrobes. shit.
somehow the trip around changi village wasnt appealing. to the guys maybe. i'm not a people-watcher anyway. no point. and i was juz following ard like a zombie. with all the guys talkin abt ghostly events and scaring the girls. humming and singing a little here and there, we walked one big round back again. then we went up the hill to OCH. the buildings look creepy enough. and it's already 2-3 am. there were other grps of adventure seekers there too. in the end we juz stood outside the barrier until shuang3 then we made our way back to the chalet..
blah.. didnt get to cycle. didnt get to touch the violin.. sianz.
raining, raining raining. love it or hate it. i dunno. it's like loving and hating a part of myself. i remembered xueli asking me whether i will have a stead or not. then i said "in your life, there will always be one person who loves you. and in your life, there will always be one whom you love. but normally these 2 persons arent the same person." it's pretty logical isnt it? "but steadyin is all about finding that one person whom you love and loves you mah," she replied. "yea, but usually one of them will love the other more than the other loving one. it's abit selfish of the other." "i think it's good to have someone who loves you more than you loves him." haiz.. i still think otherwise..
i think i'm a little like jasper. i'm still waiting. but i guess it'll never come true. cuz there are so many better pple around. and i'm juz seen as a friend. but i'll still wait. until that soneone has gotten another who treats that someone well will i allow my own heart to move on. am i wrong to say that? or are you waiting for me too? cuz i'm uncertain, and i wont ask. maybe i'm afraid of rejection. but i guess seeing you contented with your own life is good enough. but whenever i hear you talkin abt someone else, my heart juz turned sour. perhaps you didnt see it, cuz i didnt show it.
my heart hurts again last night. (oh no whee!) along with my stomach problem. my ankle rested well enough, so not much of a problem ler. and stupid me, i slept wearing my headset on and there's this part which lodge into a fraction of my neck of my spinal cord. and i never realised it. it hurt and i thought it's due to my sleepin position or sth. crapz. hope it doesnt have any adverse effect on me.
i guess i've grown to love more pple ard me.
it's kinda sad that i've never had any best friend before. the self-acclaimed "best friend" in p1-2 became someone i dont know. and in the past, my juniors are more impt. so i guess that's it. does it explains the emptiness i felt all the time? maybe..
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written now:
hmm. couldnt really sleep in the chalet. i dunno. too much thoughts. and darkness is overwhelming. noisy. cold too. cant stand cold. haiz. went outside to sleep on the sofa. too used to it. and thanks jie for accompanying me. haiz. i'm stubborn i know. dun need to give in to me. i can manage on my own. and i wont really psycho myself too much. i think..
went home to have breakfast. and then a bit of cartoon on kidscentral and slept. all the way till 4 plus. haiz. tired out.. tuned the violin and played a lil. the skin on my fingertips are hardening i think. the skin's still scrapin off oh wellz.
love bsb. hahaz.. incomplete!
Incomplete - by BSBEmpty spaces fill me up with holes
Distant faces with no place left to go
Without you within me I can't find no rest
Where I'm going is anybody's guess I've tried to go on like I never knew you
I'm awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I'm going to be is incomplete Voices tell me I should carry on
But I am swimming in an ocean all alone
Baby, my baby
It's written on your face
You still wonder if we made a big mistake I tried to go on like I never knew you
I'm awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I'm going to be is incomplete I don't mean to drag it on, but I can't seem to let you go
I don't wanna make you face this world alone
I wanna let you go (alone) I've tried to go on like I never knew you
I'm awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I'm going to be is incomplete
Incomplete
Ruth-Skunk || 11:57 pm
