could you hear me?

Monday, August 08, 2005

it'll be a long entry..

Yes, long entry. I had too many thoughts accumulating in me, especially on Sundays.

I've seen. Or rather, maybe just felt. That people will do all means to get what they wanted or just make sure things go the way they wanted it to be. What do you consider it as? Ruthlessness? I don't know. I'm not labelling. But I've felt alot of this these few days. Haiz. What's wrong with me? What's wrong with everyone?

A fly was flying around a lighted bulb. A lizard spotted it and creeped near it to try to get it's prey. The first time it attacked, the fly successfully flew away but continued to fly near the bulb, dazzled and mesmerised by the light. The lizard tried again a second and this time caught it and had a great meal.

Why did the fly allowed itself to be eaten? No, the fly did not. Which living being would want to seek it's own death? No. Its death is because of it's distraction. To be too overly concerned with some other things that you neglect the more important things like your own life. And of course God. As a result, you ignored impeding danger coming your way. And *snap*. You're gone. Adios.

Sin saperates us from God and brings about an emptiness in our hearts that only God can fill. But we are continually trying to fill it through our own efforts such as money, career, relationships, popularity, looks, good works, freedom, philosophy or religion and we always fail.

"God has never stopped loving us. He has even provided the way to fill our emptiness through.."

Ok, back to the lizard story. Besides the fly, we must also learn from the lizard too. We must not give up when we fail to achieve what we wanted in the first place. Cause trying again will mean lesser mistakes done and might even reap you the benefits you wanted, like the lizard getting its meal. *slurp*

I admit, I was too engross to forget about the people around me. Especially my mum. She had always been looking after my welfare. But I've always taken it forgranted. Felt really sorry. But sometimes, she just nagged at the wrong time, or rather, just kept nagging. Like my sis said, "Didnt bathe also nag, going to bathe also nag.." Ya. Sometimes when we were about to do the things she wanted, she nagged again. Very weird. Haiz. But anyway, I still love my mum. =)

I've been questioning my sense of belonging. Somehow, I don't feel quite belonged. But I still feel really homely sometimes. It's just the people I guess. Some gives me the feeling that I can know or have known them forever, others just makes me felt like "Hey, you don't belong here." I understand. There will be some fears that "half-bloods" like me may not be fully accepted by "pure-bloods". But think again, if they traced back generations and generations above them, they may be half-blood like me. So why are they treating me like some spy infiltrating their premises? Nvm, I'm crapping.

Greed and temptation. Everyone has some of them. It's not possible that they do not exist in any one of us. But I've got questions.

• Does being a giver = not greedy?
• Everyone has temptation, is it possible not to have any?

Yea. I think I just answered my 2nd qns. Lol!

Love and concern. I wonder how I can love when my heart is near empty. I'm not sure about the empty part. Have I been loving? What is the real meaning of love? I'm sure it's passed the material and physical and emotional aspects. How is it like to be loved? All my life I've only felt family love and friendship. Maybe God's love nowadays. But what is it really to be like to have someone who knew you so well, in and out. A close friend or some sort. I had never had any. Sad isnt it? Some time along the way, I had felt something. But is that consider love? I'm not sure..

And I wanna thank my family for the undying love and concern they shower on me. To accept me who I am unquestionably and give in to my needs and wants. How could I ever thank enough?

It's hard to give and not to receive. I don't know. Have I not been giving enough? Or maybe you're just like me. Perhaps I'm one of those people who doesnt have any affect on you. That's why no matter how much I give, you wont feel anything. Have we drifted apart? I certainly felt so. Maybe even more so now that we see each other almost everyday. And that my weird character of mine usually made me disappear as and when I like it. Kinda bad I know. Made you wonder why? All I can say is everything is not your fault. It should be mine. Perhaps I, myself, isnt sensitive enough to all the things going through you. I know you're busy. And I'm slacking. And I shouldnt be bothering you that much. But seriously, have we been furthering each other? Haiz. My fault..

What happened to the promise? Perhaps I hadnt been sensitive enough to read the underlying meaning of the letter.. Or rather, I have a hunch that the promise will never arrive. But it's ok. Maybe all I need is reassurance. Maybe..

Ruth-Skunk || 1:14 am