could you hear me?
Friday, August 19, 2005
not enough..
Have been so guilty of myself.. To be woken up by my mum for 3 days consecutively. Aye this is bad. But the feeling of having someone supporting me is back again. Had lost it since that event. Now, I dunno.. I know I've got my mum. I love her even more each day. And my grandpa too. And sis. And bro..
What does being happy truly mean? I had been struggling with that defination for a long time. Still, what is it? I have not many answers to that.
Have I been seen avoiding people? I hope not. I'm just tired. And disappointed sometimes. How things turned out to be. Somehow, I'm disappointed in some people. But it's ok. It's just my perspective right? I'm supposed to lookout for their feelings too. That's what I gathered. I hope it's true..
And I came to realise that you don't love people just because you want them to be who you want them to be. You love them for who they are. One of my pri school friend's nick on msn was "You like someone "because". You love someone "even though"." And somehow it hit me that, yes, why am I changing myself for someone? I don't need to be. Cause that someone will love me even if I'm just me. You love me because I'm me, not someone else. Yepx..
The book "Rachel's Tears" is really nice. Somehow I felt that it's kinda familiar. And I'm sure no one else has felt a loss as much as I do. It's really hard. Really hard. Sometimes I just find myself thinking of him. So much that it leaves me sobbing there. The tears of memories. The love he shown. I have never let it go. Never. I refused. Somehow. I'll rather have the burden of the memories than lose it. I fear so much that I'll lose it. All I can ask for is comfort from God. Somehow, He's the only one who know. He lost His son too, but for a greater cause. I guess I'll never understand why. But I'm sure it hurts as much, or even more than what I am feeling.
"Touched by an angel".. Kinda nice show there. Shown on channel 5 everyday at 5:30pm? Ya.. Really nice. I first spotted the ending of one episode on Wednesday I think. Then today I sat through an entire one. It was really nice. About God's grace and His plans and love for us and about walkin with Him in our lives. Really nice. I was crying almost throughout. Because I know how it feels to have lost a love one. It hurts deeply. I fear death. Not because of death itself, but the pain it brings to others.
In the silence, with eyes closed.
No distractions to provoke.
Deep down inside, questions flared
Which people have no answers to them.
Questions after questions raced through my mind.
What is the answer I need? I cant define.
Been living on faith, I guess that's good,
But now I dare question, God, is that enough?
Where are you God? Can You hear me?
I know You do, but answer me.
I don't need spoken words to tell me reasons
I just need comfort. Please let me.
Not enough.. of alot of things. Yes. But it's ok I think. God will provide what is necessary for me first. Somehow I do things although I have a hint that they are wrong. But somehow.. I know I shouldnt. And I made a point in that.
Got this from my friend's blog. I think she composed it?
"Mesmerized by the touch of your hand.
Hypnotized by the look of your eyes.
Melted by the smile from your lips.
And I fell, to the path of the beginning.
The core of human existence.
The meaning of being alive.
The only shelter from the demons within.
I was saved. I was lifted.
I feel love."
I'd like to dedicate that to Sarah, and Qing-jie. I may not interact at all. Maybe even walk away. But do know that I'm always thinkin of you. And concerned too. I wanna thank Vic too. You're such a nice chap to ask about me when I isolated myself. Xueli also. For appearing at times when I needed someone. Somehow, silenced could be so deafening, you just need someone to dampen it. And you may not even say anything at all. The presence is comforting enough. And the rest too. For walking in and out of my seclusion, providing me the company I need. Thanks a million!
Yes, yes. I'm suffering from a hit of self-abased. Somehow, people just makes me feel worthless.
I don't wanna feel the way that I do.
I just wanna be right here with you.
I don't wanna see, see us apart.
I just wanna say it straight from my heart.
I miss you..
I miss you, not because you're not there. You're always there.
I miss you, not because you're not talking. You're avoiding.
I miss you, not because you're not reacting. You're hurting.
I miss you, not because you're not away. You're near but it feels awfully far.
I miss you, not just because I miss your presence.
I miss who you were. I miss the you who I knew.
I just miss you.
Another cut onto my arm. Manz.. Wonder how I got it. Hmm.. *scratches head* Not painful. No blood also. Lucky me. Lol!
"If I could, I'd like to go to the same place as you.."
-Al
Ruth-Skunk || 10:02 pm
