could you hear me?

Saturday, February 04, 2006

Maybe

Washed my face in tears again last night. Just cry and cry.. Until I was so exhausted, I fell asleep.

Felt dumb now.

It's the same cry I gave some months ago.

Remembered that last year's cny I cried too. This time round, perhaps, it's for the same reason.

And perhaps for my evil-doing nature.

If only someone could do to me what I have done to them.

I guess no one's that similar. We can't read each other's mind. Unless we're really that close.

Differences makes life lively and colourful. I really do appreciate this.

I may appear dead at times. Just ignore my lifelessness, I'll be fine, I hope.

Music is my soul. It is my prayer. What I sing reflects my thoughts. Though they may be restricted by the songs I know, but it's my cry, my whisper, my shout-out for my soul.

Sorry Jie. For not picking up the phone last night. Don't wanna talk while crying. And it'll be weird if I don't talk. So yea. Don't wanna let you hear me cry again.

Hence my smiles on my face in the day. Hence the laughters. Hence the jokes.

Suddenly don't feel like sharing. No one can solve it but myself. I need to cross the obstacle myself. And this obstacle is myself. My old self. A part of me wants to move on, another wishes to stay, no matter how hurting, no matter how painful.. "Clinging on," Jie said.. Yes. Just let that part of me do whatever it wants for now. I know God is healing..

Maybe I cry because God is healing me.

Felt as if I've stepped into this endless pit of sorrow. And no one can ever reach down far enough to save me. None but one. Jesus stepped into it with me.

I know He'll be the one. He'll be the one who'll go in and push me out. He'll be the one who'll carry my burdens, my pain, my memories. The time will come when I'll be free once again.

When will it be? I don't know. But all I know is He's still here in this pit with me.

Old wounds, when reopened, takes longer time to heal. How true.

Nothing matters anymore. No matter how much one has hurt me. I've already left all those hurt elsewhere. No matter how wrong things appeared to be, don't worry. I only blame myself for everything that happened. And for myself I put the pain in. I don't want to hurt anyone.

Pride. Perhaps. I've got lots of it in me. Perhaps it's the one at work. Evil Satan.. -.-

God can explain.

So near yet so far. So close yet so distanced.
Ruth-Skunk || 11:52 am