could you hear me?

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

soaked in blood and tears.

Woke up in a bad state. Not that my alarm clock woke me up. My fingers did. They were soaked. With the colourless pus. Got up to wash them off. But it just keep leaking. And blood seeped out thru the pores too. Pain shot through my body. Sat in the sofa in a daze, clutching tissue papers in my hands to absorb away the liquid. Words like "you need a doctor desperately!" rang thru my mind. Decided to see the doc.

Was tearing when my bro asked me what happened. I guess that's the 2nd or 3rd time he saw me cry. I just walked away to my room and then to the bathroom to let it out. And this time I couldnt do anything to my tears. I cant even wipe them off my face. I just let them roll down on my face. And cry and cry. For about 10 minutes. Cried to my Father. Why cant You just heal me? You've heard me cry. This is the 3rd or 4th time I cried to You. I know You give when the time is right. You heal when You think it's right. You're the most just. All I'm asking is just a touch of Your healing hand. Just a touch.. And I just kept cryin. Wiped my tears off with my sleeve. Lay on my mum's bed and fell asleep, exhausted, tears in my eyes. Slept..

"Take me with You, Father." But I know He wont. Cause I'm not cleansed. I'm not changed into someone like Jesus yet. So He wont. And I havent done anything that He's proud of yet. All I've done is sin. When I look at Him I'll just look down in shame. I'm not worthy.. Not yet..

Probably that satan guy is playing with me. Inflicting me with pain. My heart hurts after the cry. Woke up. In a daze. Fingers stiffed. Sat down on the sofa. The itch sprang up from the fingers to my brain. But I cant do a thing. Cause I know if I do, it'll be worse. A sense of helplessness rang through my entire body. I felt dead, yet still alive. Somehow I imagined getting myself into the hospital for treatment.

I needed to get healed. =(

Skipped work. I'm not sure. Something tells me to quit my job. I prolly should have listened.. But I didnt. I'm always dumb. Never failing to miss God speakin to me. My heart hurts. My head hurts. My body hurts. I need a rest. Prolly one which I will never need to wake up from..

Rah: heyz. i dont know. i just know.
Joce: thanks. i'll take care.. somehow. you too..
Tab: hey tab. wonder how you had find your way here. hmm.
Ruth-Skunk || 3:00 pm