could you hear me?

Friday, June 17, 2005

sad..

cried myself to sleep last night. haiz. too much thoughts. like how i remember the times i had with her. she always praised me as being a good girl though i rarely think i am. the holiday we had at m'sia when i was young. she always said that i carried her luggage for her. that i'm strong and stuff. and when i was younger i always hid within her cradle when i made my mum angry and used the cane. then when we got older i remembered wheeling her around in the wheelchair we bought. and more recently, with the moving of her oxygen machine. and whenever i did something small, she always praised me, undeservingly i always felt.

why must she go? she kept saying she wanna go. but why this time? why when i wasnt around.

"fate loves to play wif us... helpless human beings.. unable to fend for ourselves in the face of death n sickness..."

that's what my sis said.

perhaps God has another plan for me. i dunno. but i thank God too, and maybe it's our good fate, that all these happened during hols. that it wont be so tiring for us.

but i'm feeling a bit angry too. why, when i was away. why? never get to see her for one last time. i could still remember that evening when i told her i'll buy lots of stuff for her when i return. and she juz nodded. dunno if she heard it or not.

i'm still crying. it doesnt seemed to stop. why must this happen again. no more celebrations of anything. i dun have the mood to. no more happy events. i dun wanna remember. i dun wanna forget.

sad..

my granddad. he's such a strong person. i know he's sad. maybe those days of mourning already dried him of his tears and emotions. he still talks about that fateful day on how he found her. on how things had been. 15 minutes when it happened. i hate those 15 minutes.

heart had hurt while taking off for both flights on that day. did i say that before? and i was selfishly thinking that it's my mind playing tricks with me. but no, it's an indication that something had happened. regrets piling up.

why did i choose to go. there hasnt been any peace in me since i've returned.

sad..
Ruth-Skunk || 5:18 pm