could you hear me?

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

happiness and loneliness.. do they mix?

"Time waits for no one, sure as the tide pulls the ocean, sure as the path's that chosen cannot be changed..
In my life's destination, I search for the explanation for some kind of reason for my sorrow and pain..
But in my isolation I've learnt to listen. To be thankful for the love that I've been given.."
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It's hard to stay happy, esp when there's nothing to be happy about. Why is it so? I don't know. But I've been trying to keep this notion up. "Optimists live longer than pessimists." And I wonder how true this is.
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"Who can say when your heart sighs, when your love flies. Only time..
And who can say when your heart cries, when your love lies. Only time.."
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It's hard I know. Giving and trying. To be that someone all the time to everyone. I've tried. Real hard. But somethings seemed to be missing. I'm missing something. Somehow, my purpose isnt found.
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Everyone has his/her purpose when they come to this world. And few has found what they are living for. And what's mine? I'm not sure. Perhaps to be living for someone. To fulfilled someone's dreams. To colour someone's life. To make a difference to someone's life. I'm not sure what. But I know time will tell the story. Time will show me the ending. Time will come to make me realise my destiny. Time will show me fate. Time will show me mistakes made. Time will realise lessons learnt. Time will come. Time will collect me. And that part of time will be soon. As I get to know of Him more and more.
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And I wonder why people treat their family members so harshly while treat their friends and strangers nicely. An idea would be that they have an image to keep. While their family knows them too well, they have no need to keep that image. As such, twins dont behave like twins, friends become brothers and sisters. Parents become only a source of income and not someone to turn to when problems arise. Sad is such a life right?
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I was having dinner with my sis and bro when my mum came home last night. She stepped into the kitchen to put some grocery she bought into the fridge.
I said, "Hi ma," and had my eyes fixed onto her while she's clearing the bag.
She sensed it and asked, "Yes dear? You have something to tell me?"
Thinking for a few moments, I decided to reply, "I love you mum," and smiled widely.
Both my sis and bro gave that fake shudders and said, "Wah.. Very cold lehx.."
I just continued with my dinner. I felt that I havent shown much love in this family. Feeling very sad indeed. I should have done more than this.
"Honour thy father and mother." One of the ten commandments. I havent been keeping to this. I dont want to repeat the mistake of having the guilt again when someone leaves.
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Yesterday was a fun day indeed, like what Qing-jie said in her blog. I will miss the class girls. Hahaz. Was tired out from the whole day of shopping with her, sarah, sha and xl.
"L is for loser."
"L is for me, so you mean i'm a loser lah?"
Hahaz. And I could never imagine shopping with girls again. They love trying on stuff. Like my mum. Hahaz. But shopping with boys arent fun either. Cause they dun shop. Lol. Looks like I'm stuck then. =P But those few hours were some of which I had spent communicating with a bunch of people outside schooltime, which is rare. Never imagine I could keep up with that.
Bought this brown shirt "Living water" with jie. =D Actually wanted her to save money cause her mum was already nagging at her. Mine too actually. But she was sporting enough to get it. And guys shirts' designs are actually nicer looking than girls'. -_- Oh wellz. Got the small size ones then. =D Hope my mum wont say anything about that. Lol. Still havent show her yet.
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Havent open the wrapped up present and card with the word of caution in front. Think I can wait until the day. Perhaps I'll open them at 12 am. Lol!
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Hard to love everyone. Hard to give time to everyone. Hard to be that someone for everyone. Hard. Nothing's ever easy anyway. Life isnt for one. But I'll try. I'll try..
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"When the night seems so long you can sing a new song.
When you're weak, He is strong,
He can heal your wounded soul and calm the storm inside."
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5 days more. And I've not packed. Everything's still messy. Shall wait. Hahaz. I'm slacking. Yay. Yet somehow, I dread the going off. Fear something bad will happen when I'm not around. Am I thinking too much? Hahaz.


"Someone cure me of my block ears or just kill me.."
-Al
Ruth-Skunk || 1:11 pm