could you hear me?

Sunday, March 26, 2006

I miss You lots... =(

Hmm.. Long time since I blogged. Or rather I've been so bogged down by work and other stuff that I cannot find time to come online. It's had been the wake up-school-work-come home-eat-rest-work-sleep. Sianz. I'm like a robot like that. I wonder how the other teachers maintain their lifestyle. I think I lost a bit of weight. Hadn't been catching up with lunch. Or rather, I'm "shy". Just don't feel like seeing other pupils after an entire day at class. And during my non-teaching periods, I'll be stoning at my desk for a while before I settle downt to mark the homework. I seriously needed the transition from a noisy environment to a quiet one. Peace be with me Lord! I need it! I need You! I miss You.. =(

I guess all this work God gave me is to train me to be a better person. Trials to make me overcome more in later years. I've been too concerned over work, unsure about my capabilities, too slack, and emotions keep swinging. And this new job that God gave me. I think He wants me to see the reality of the teaching world and wants me to affirm if I really want to be a teacher. I guess I stumble at the beginning. I was scared. Since God emphasized that every child belonged to the kingdom of heaven, I'm scared that I will ruin these children's lives by being a bad teacher. I began to lose faith. I forgot about God. I kept to myself. I enveloped myself with a blanket of worries and left no opening, not even a tiny one, for Him to invade my mind. But the job is a blessing in disguise too. These few days when all the kids kept giving me lots of troubles to settle, but while trying to solve all of them, I saw God creeping back in. I speak about love to them. I speak about being fair to all. And when I see the kids again, I saw God amongst them. He has always been there at the back of the classroom, watching me all the while. A few times I wanted to tell them about Jesus, but I think I'm not supposed to. Teachers are not supposed to preach in the classroom. So yah. And every once in a while when I really had forgotten about Him and am too engrossed in my teaching with the kids, He will create a small chance in the midst of chaos to let me remember Him and His work in my life. What can I say? I simply love Him..

God's every job for me is a lesson to be learnt.

My heart hurts again. I don't know what happened. Perhaps it's the stress I'm facing in school. And I'm lagging lots behind. I really need to get back on track. Hmm.. Haiz. =( My knee hurts too. Bad weather perhaps? But I can really feel like I can just pull the kneecaps out of their positions.

I just want to feel God again. Fill me Lord once more, with joy and peace. I wanna see You in others, in everything I do. I need You desperately. I'm clinging on to my last resource, which is my faith that You exist. But I really want more than that. I'm a feeler, I admit. I need the passion once more..

I admit I have been slipping away. Like ever so slightly, so unknowingly. But I realised that I have to go back to You. I've not been a good child of Yours. I know. There's so many things which I have done wrong and all aren't worthy enough. But Father, I thank You for loving me even when I don't feel it.

I just wanna do my best for You. But I have to learn to listen out to Your voice first. I must grow accustom to Your voice and follow Your calling.

I really miss You... A lot..
Ruth-Skunk || 11:52 pm