could you hear me?

Friday, March 17, 2006

new matchstick..

Was feeling so down yesterday (or rather the day before since it's passed 12).. Like almost at the bottom of the pits.. Not as bad as the last time but this time there's this great discomfort inside of me. And last time, I was wallowing in sadness and wanted to stay like that. But this time, I just wanted to kick it out but something was pulling me back. In the end still got myself stuck in it for a while.

Felt a bit sadistic at home. The skin was peeling at all the wrong places. They should be peeling at the spots where there are bubbles but instead they peeled at the uninfected places. Darn.. So I went to peel the skin off myself. So sadistic. To peel off fresh skins. Pain lah. Then got a bit of burning sensation. Sick in the mind.. Went crazy after that. Lost my mind. Like some sicko. Can equate this to the last time I cut myself. Sick..

Went to watch Final Destination 3 with my mum, sis and bro. Got this (quite huge) misunderstand before dinner over the venue, but it turned out to be alright after all. Thank God! Went to play pool to waste some time before the show. Won my bro and sis once each but they overkilled me. Haha. Tyco here.

The show was quite disgusting. Very sad also. Cause the people keeps trying to cheat death but still die.. And the show portrayed a bit of morbid intent as it somehow showed life like a toy to be taken away anytime death wants.

Went home after that. Didnt chat much to anybody. Like as if I did these few days. Then Jean popped up and inquired about me. Wasnt wanting to talk to her but I guess God put her there as my angel for the night. She kept telling me not to stop praying and be strong in Him. She did knock lots of sense in me. I was literally tearing when I was chatting with her on msn. Like non-stop, just kept tearing and tearing. "He sees every tear you cry," she said. More tears poured out. Thank you lots Jean. If not for you, I wouldnt have even recover from this sadness this fast..

Gotten a relief teaching job at my pri school. They needed lots of relief teachers. Lol. So weird that they called my friend first when I went to ask for a job earlier than her. Hmm.. -.- And I'm supposedly an ex-student lor. They said they give priority to ex-students. Wonder what went wrong.. Went to my pri school today. Checked out what it will be like for me. Then started to mark files. English. Not as if my English is very pro. And some of the kids didnt do correction.. -.- Mark until sian diao only finished one pile. Still got another pile. Haiz. Long work..

Realised that it's not easy to be a teacher at all. Even teaching pri school kids. I mean, if it's the relief teacher, sit down at the table, and don't do anything type then it's easy peasy lah. But this is the class type of relief teach. Must really teach, and follow module. Must do lesson plan, must hand it up. Must mark homework, must think of things for the students to do. Wah sehx. I think I'll rather teach secondary or higher primary. At least they are more sensible at their age. But primary 2? I think I'll drop dead faster than when I expected. And three problematic kids. Hmm.. I'll have to see.. *sighz* What to do. It's life. It gets harder. But I will overcome. With God. =)

Visited Sha today at her home. Bought her lunch pack. Haha. That girl ah. Starve herself rather than go downstairs and buy food to eat. -.- So yah. Ate at her place and watch tv. She can really pig herself to the tv media world. Best.. So we just sat at the sofas and watched tv, commented a bit here and there. Watched some variety show. Pretty interesting. And she has so many channels. Just keep switching non-stop. Switched till I blur ler she's still switching. Lol!

Then went out with Rah and Vicky to eat at Subway at Suntec. Like finally get to eat it. Haha. Wanted to eat it with Jie but couldnt. So yea. Not bad lah. Plus somemore the set meal is free. =) And Rah treated me. Ah.. Darn. Forgot to get her ice-cream.. Always so forgetful! -.- Nvm.. Shall treat her next time. Hmm..

Went to esplanade to enjoy their aircon. Lol! We didnt even go upstairs. Just sat at the basement 2 seats and talked for hours. And we're like crapping and joking lah. Shot each other at times.. Guess this is the first time I laughed after all my sadness and stuff. Vic and his lameness plus Rah and her cheekiness. Double kill. Tell you I can laugh until pengz diao. Talked about like everything lah. Ya. Thank you both for this outing. Really takes off loads on my heart. And I'm able to laugh with no worries when I'm with you.

Thank you Rah for your smiles and laughters. They never failed to bring one on my face too.

On the way home. Was a tad scared. Cause the alley I took was quite dark. Was a short cut but then. Hmm.. And the fear continued till I reached the stairs to my unit. To God, I said, "Father I know this matchstick has already burnt up. But Father, I'll light another matchstick to light up more lights. And this time round it would be brighter, stronger, warmer. I'll keep the fire burning for You." The fear went away, so did my sadness. I stand once again, renewed and refreshed.. A new matchstick, burning for my Father.
Ruth-Skunk || 1:21 am