could you hear me?

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

sad.His love song.cross.matchstick

Having some melancholic spells now. Tired of saying the word "sad" though I very much like to. But who can spell my despair in me.. Father are You here?

Why does what I said not tally what I felt?
Why does what I felt not tally what I showed?

I don't want to put on masks.
But I can't seemed to help it.
I don't want to show others that I'm sad.
I don't want to cry in front of them again.

But that's so fake.
So hypocritical.
But I don't want people to worry about me.
I don't want people to be sad along with me.
---

Was/Am crazy over Nickelback's Far Away. Listened to it day and night and for perhaps 30+ times ler bah. I love the song. Had the need to scream "I love you" at times sometimes. I guess this song expresses what I wanted to express for a long time? But just now in the bathroom, I had a new revelation about this song. It's God and His crazy love song for me. Haha..

That I love You
I have loved You all along
And I miss You
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming You'll be with me
and You'll never go
Stop breathing if I don't see You anymore

I wanted
I wanted You to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear You say,
"That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving
you anymore
Believe Me
Hold on to Me and
never let Me go.."

Tears welled when I sang that. I really needed You to say You'll forgive me for being so far away from You.. If only You can.. But by faith I'll say, "Thank You, Lord, for forgiving me."

When I sang the last chorus, I really felt that that was what He wanted to tell me. That He has forgiven my ignorance for the past few days, for living so far from Him, for not reaching out to Him when I needed peace and joy which only He can give, for finding other sources of relieving my pain when I can just go to Him, for not thinking of Him when I should be, for not remembering Him and all that He has done for me. And now I'm really ashamed of all these. And tearing every night before I went to sleep cause of the screaming emptiness inside of me. And I cried again in the bathroom when I started to sing once again for You. My music is for You. Only You. Thank You Father for Your unfailing grace, to be always loving me no matter what I do. I love You.
---

Carry the Cross and Follow Me

I carry a cross as a simple reminder to me.
Of the fact that I am a Christian no matter where I may be.

This little cross is not magic nor is it a good luck charm.
It isn't meant to protect me from every physical harm.

It is not for identification for all the world to see.
It's simply an understanding between my Saviour and me.

When I look at the cross, it is there to remind me
Of the price Jesus paid for me.

It reminds me, too, to be thankful for my blessings day by day.
And to strive to serve the Lord better in all that I do and say.

It's also a daily reminder of the peace and comfort I share.
With all who knows my Master and give themselves to His care.

So, I carry a cross reminding no one but me
That Jesus Christ is Lord of my life.
---

Where did I drop my cross? Haiz.. Need to get another one.. Or maybe there's no need. As long as I have Him in my heart.. But is it possible? Arghz.. God help me..
---

I close my eyes and try to picture what God wants me to be.

"God I want to be an intrument to spread Your passion.
What do You want me to be?"

A picture appeared. A lit matchstick.

"Why God? Why only a small lit matchstick?
Don't You want me to be a huge fire or something similar?
You know, big and majestic, to glorify Your name?
So that more people can see the light?
And fill the warmth?"

"When a person need to light up something,
the first thing he will need to light up is a matchstick.
Only then can he use the flame from it to light up other lights.
I want you to share your flame. To light up other lights.

"They can be flaming candles, which are gentle and beautiful.
To touch people's lives.
They can be guiding torches, which are bright and strong.
To lead people's way.
They can be fiery logs in fireplaces, which are blazing and wild.
To warm people's heart."

"But Father.. This matchstick is burning out soon..
The fire is smoldering. It's reaching it's end."

"Remember, you're not the matchstick. You're the one who lights it.
If you can light one matchstick, you can light another one.
Keep the fire burning for Me.
Be faithful and I will assure you that the light will never go out in your life."

I love You so much Father!